Having a second baby is hard. Not in the way that having a first baby is hard, thank goodness, because you've already learned a bunch of lessons with the first baby and now you just have to tweak it for the new human (who will be completely different from the first human). You'll also have learned that you actually can't do it all by yourself and that you'll need help from some experts for the new transition.

No, having a second baby is hard because you already have a first baby. The first child, the one who made you a mother, whom you've poured every ounce of energy, love, and sleep into, the one who had your undivided attention for 9 months while they grew inside you, and for a (fill in the blank amount of time) afterwards. They shared nothing, absorbed your new motherness and forgave you for all your newness as you grew together.

Mother holds her toddler son up and kisses him on the cheek while he looks at the camera. He is holding a plastic lion in one hand and a plastic tiger in the other. They are standing in their home.

But now with Child Number Two, you're torn like Spongebob. You feel excited for the new baby but also so much guilt for "ruining" the relationship you have with Child Number One. The logistics of a new baby are simple, compared to the jealous emotions of a toddler who doesn't understand why they're "being replaced." Ugh, my heart.

I have just a few suggestions for you as you navigate this new road. Some of these worked for me at the time, others are things I learned retroactively.

A new family of four sits on the parents' bed together. Toddler big brother rubs his baby sister's back while the parents show him how to use "soft hands." They are surrounded by stuffed animals.

Schedule 1:1 time with Big Sibling.

Put it on the calendar, announce it to your family, make it a consistent part of your life. Even if it’s just 20 minutes a day (which will seem hard at first), those 20 minutes will help. Those 20 minutes are for you and Big Sibling, with no baby interruptions or life, or phones, or chores. Let them know you’re going to do one activity with them, alone, for 20 minutes. If they don’t understand time, they won’t understand that you’re giving them 20 minutes, but they understand activities. Let them pick the activity, giving them choices that aren’t open-ended like “free play.” Something with a distinct beginning and ending, so they know when the special time is over and they don’t think the baby is taking up their special time after it’s over.

A father sits with his toddler son on the parents' bed and tickles him. They are both laughing, and surrounded by stuffed animals. A cross hangs on the wall above their head.

Don't blame the baby.

This is one I definitely wish we’d put in place before my daughter arrived. I thought I was doing well to explain that we couldn’t do something until the baby woke up, but instead of saying, "We can't go to the park because the baby is sleeping," I should have said, “We can go to the park after lunch.” “I can’t hold you because I’m holding the baby” is one I wish I could take back, and replace it with, “I can hold you in a few minutes.” Making the baby the reason why you can’t do something harbors resentment with the Big Sibling.

Let Big Sibling help.

Even young toddlers can help with tasks associated with the baby. Give them tasks appropriate for their age, like bringing over a burp cloth or a bottle, handing you a diaper or pulling a wipe out of the container while you change the baby. Let them be part of the caring for the baby. Talk about how they used to be as small as this new baby. One thing my son was surprised to learn was that his sister would not always be so tiny and unable to play with him. Growth is a hard concept to understand. And change is even harder. Which brings me to my next point:

in-home_family_photographer_chesterfield

Keep Big Sibling's schedule as similar to before as possible.

With all the changes happening in the family, it is easy for toddlers especially to feel lost and unsure about what’s happening. They need to know their place in life is stable and safe, and having a set schedule every day really helps with that. Try to keep their schedule as “normal” as it was before the baby arrived. Keep naps at the same time. Let them keep going to daycare or school after the baby arrives. Keep meals the same, and bedtime rituals the same (as much as is possible with growing people who change constantly). The normalcy will help them realize they’re safe.

Hang photos of your family everywhere.

It’s that whole “stable and safe” thing again. Having photographs of your family hanging in your home is an important boost to self-esteem and confidence in children. Kids who see themselves in photos in prominent places around the house know that they are part of a family unit, and that they are not being replaced by a baby. The photos work as permanent reminders that their place in the family is also permanent. If you need help getting photos of your favorite people up on the walls of your home, I can help you with that. Let’s chat.

You can do this! And when it feels like you're splitting your love and that you won't have enough for both of your little humans (not to mention your partner), know that instead of splitting in half, your love will grow to fit them all. Your heart will stretch in ways you never knew it could.